Funniest Dialogue In The Series

Highlights

• Hilarious dialogue options in Mass Effect games include Garrus’ obsession with calibrations and Shepard’s sarcastic threat to give a Turian officer a single bullet.
• Kaidan’s response of “Don’t Kaidan me” to Shepard breaks tension in Mass Effect 3, reminiscent of a parent scolding a toddler.
• Shepard’s wacky remark calling a Hanar a “big stupid jellyfish” is a standout moment of comedic dialogue during a mission on the Citadel.

Each time a player enters a conversation in the Mass Effect games, they’ll have a handful of dialogue options to choose from. Most of the time, these are either used to try and find out more about the character and the game’s wider context, or just simply a Paragon or Renegade speech option which can praise or antagonist someone, but there are a few options that have stuck out to fans for how downright ridiculous and hilarious they are.

Despite the very serious and terrifying threat of the Reapers looming on the horizon, these games still aren’t afraid to get a little silly now and again to break up the tension, resulting in some comedic dialogue being shared between Shepard and his allies, and in some cases, with his enemies. These are the weirdest and wackiest dialogue options in the Mass Effect games.

7 “I’m In The Middle Of Some Calibrations”

Garrus Just Can’t Stop Talking About His Favorite Hobby

• Game: Mass Effect 2
• Character: Garrus
• Mission: Aboard The Normandy

After completing a mission, the majority of players will run around the Normandy to try and see if there are any new conversations to be had with their squadmates. Most of the time, they’ll have something new to talk about, but if they simply don’t want to talk, they will often say it as bluntly as possible, but Garrus is the exception.

To even visit Garrus in Mass Effect 2, players will need to run to the far side of the second floor of the ship, but once they reach him and ask to chat, there’s a very high chance he will turn down Shepard’s attempt at conversation because he’s too focused on his “Calibrations”. Garrus says this exact line an unbelievable number of times in the game, to the point where it’s become a bit of a meme, with many fans believing that Garrus’ favorite hobby is, well, tuning some calibrations apparently.

6 “You Don’t Have A Grenade Launcher, Lady. Get Lost”

A Turian Guard Reminds A Civilian About The Explosive Weaponry Shepard Is Packing

• Game: Mass Effect 2
• Character: Turian Guard
• Mission: Omega (Recruit Mordin)

By the time the player reaches Omega in the search for the Salarian scientist known as Mordin, they will already have a pretty substantial arsenal of weaponry to help take down any alien or Geth enemies that might stand in Shepard’s way. Despite the weapons being on full display on Shepard’s back, it can be easy to forget just how dangerous he must look while running around in any open area, but a Turian reminds the player about this in a very comical way during an argument.

After allowing Shepard and his squadmates to enter a quarantined zone in Omega, a woman asks why she also doesn’t get a free pass, only for the Turian guard to point out that she’s not the one with the grenade launcher. It’s a pretty unexpected reply which can easily catch a lot of players off guard after hearing it for the first time.

5 “I’ll Relinquish One Bullet. Where Do You Want It?”

Without A Doubt One Of The Snarkiest Replies Shepard’s Ever Given

• Game: Mass Effect 2
• Character: Shepard
• Mission: Purgatory Prison (Recruit Jack)

Shepard has been asked to hand over his weapons on more than a few occasions throughout the series, and if players choose the renegade dialogue options during these conversations, it always leads to a clever quip from the ex-Spectre. However, by far the funniest and most memorable out of these responses is when the crew arrives at the Purgatory prison to find Jack.

After a Turian officer demands that Shepard and his team relinquish their weapons, Shepard threatens him by saying that all he’s giving away is a single bullet, and even goes as far as to ask where the Turian would prefer it to “delivered.” The exaggerated confidence from Shepard really helps to add to the humor of this response, with it being one of the most savage, but hilarious responses in the series.

4 “Don’t Kaidan Me”

Kaidan Acts Like A Parent Scolding A Toddler

• Game: Mass Effect 3
• Character: Kaidan
• Mission: Priority Mars

Similar to a lot of the human companions featured throughout the games, Kaidan gets a pretty bad rep from the community because of how bland he felt in the first game compared to his peers. If players decide to save him during the mission in Virmire, he will appear alongside Shepard once again in Mass Effect 3, and despite being on shaky footing due to Shepard’s affiliation with Cerberus, there’s a funny bit of dialogue shared between them that instantly breaks the tension.

Not long after landing on Mars to learn more about the Crucible, Kaiden confronts Shepard, saying that he needs a straight answer as to what Shepard has actually been doing all this time. After simply replying with “Kaidan”, the squadmate then points his finger straight at Shepard before saying “Don’t Kaidan me” as if Shepard is some sort of toddler being spoken down to by his parent.

3 “We Should Record And Broadcast It For The Reapers. They’ll Either Run Away, Melt Down, Or Fall In Love”

Garrus Takes A Comedic Jab At Shepard’s Awkward Dancing Skills

• Game: Mass Effect 3
• Character: Garrus
• Mission: Citadel DLC

There are a few recurring jokes that have appeared throughout the series, but one of the most beloved and hilarious is the dancing. Whenever characters dance in Mass Effect, especially Shepard, the movements end up looking a little off, as if the characters were robots in disguise who had been programmed to swing their arms around in the middle of a dance floor.

During the Citadel DLC in the third game, Shepard can actually get involved in the festivities by performing a little dance of his own, only for his dear friend Garrus to make fun of the situation by saying that it should be on full display for the Reapers. The idea of a Reaper ship completely melting away, or even worse, falling madly in love with Shepard due to his dance moves is ridiculous, but a hilarious thought all the same.

2 “Tell Me What I Want Or I’ll Blast Your Virtual Ass Into Actual Dust”

A Krogan Talking To A Hologram Was Always Going To Be A Hilarious Conversation

• Game: Mass Effect
• Character: Krogan Commander
• Mission: Feros

The Krogan are often depicted as being a little boneheaded, in the sense that they aren’t the smartest tools in the shed, but are still capable of intimidating anyone who has a problem with them thanks to their menacing size and weaponry. Therefore, it was always going to be a comedic sight to see a Krogan have a conversation with an AI hologram, something fans are treated to seeing in the first game.

Despite the virtual intelligence not saying anything to provoke the Krogan Commander, he still threatens the hologram by saying that he’s not afraid to blast its “virtual ass” into dust. It’s so funny seeing just how needlessly aggravated the Krogan gets at an AI that can’t even register what he’s saying, and it’s a great moment to lighten up the fairly dark mission it’s included in.

1 “Because It’s A Big Stupid Jellyfish”

Shepard Reveals How He Feels About The Hanar In The Weirdest Way Possible

• Game: Mass Effect
• Character: Shepard
• Mission: Exploring The Citadel

Because the Renegade dialogue options are designed to be the more “evil” ones to choose, it can lead to some very over-the-top and pretty ridiculous words coming out of Shepard’s mouth, but this one takes the cake for being the wackiest of them all. Shepard says this quote while trying to solve a dispute between a Turian and a Hanar, which are big purple aliens that stand upright thanks to their multiple long legs.

The Turian asks why the Hanar can’t just act lawfully, and the player will have the choice to either agree with the Turian, or to encourage him to have more of an open mind. However, while the Renegade option states “It’s not smart enough” in the dialogue tree, if players click on it, Shepard will instead go on a mini-rant about how the Hanar is nothing more than a “big stupid jellyfish.” The way Mark Meer delivers the line, paired with just how out of character it is for Shepard, makes it an absolutely hilarious bit of dialogue that was even brought back in the next two games because of how much fans enjoyed it.