TOh, autumn. 'Tis the season of fog, luscious fruits, thick braids, pumpkin spice lattes, and beauty, right? wrong In the words of one serious teenager on TikTok, “throw that shit out the window”: it's time to start your winter spree (to the ominous soundtrack of whistling wind).
Actually, the 2024 Winter Arc started on October 1st, so you're already late and I bet many of you don't even know what it is. Tsk. Winter Curve is a muscular self-improvement strategy inspired by social media and is not for the weak. For the next three months, according to another TikToker, you should be “super focused on your goals, your personal development, your growth,” better, cushioned and fully optimized with the goal of entering 2025.
Winter bows demand determined asceticism (black hoodie, worn hood, essential equipment). Participants move away from worldly pleasures and dedicate themselves to higher or at least heavier things (going to the gym six times a week is mandatory). And when I say answer, I mean it: forget cuffing season (looking for a partner to snuggle up with in the colder months). “Rule one: divorce,” says TikTok user @Phoebeisginger1. “We are cutting off all human contact…don't talk to anyone.” I don't think he's serious, but the video has the hashtag “so serious” so who knows. “No girlfriends, no relationships,” says another Winter Arc promoter. Apparently, there is no masturbation or Netflix.
Lack of time means lifting weights, drinking liters of water, walking, reading (a key indicator of performance, not happiness), and learning new skills. It is not surprising that you have to get up earlier: at 5:30 in the morning under a brutal regime. Participants are instructed to “bulk up” like bears preparing for hibernation. That's right: eat! – but, unfortunately, it involves “attacking your proteins” with terrifying amounts of turkey pieces. (The crew of the Winter Ark cutting up their Christmas dinner? Maybe with a sprig of cane around their hoods as a festive gesture?)
It's nearly impossible to draw the line between the serious and parody content of Winter's Arc, but some certainly take this misadventure seriously. It looks funny and a little sad. This time of year, dark and quiet, is full of tenderness and small pleasures, punctuated by the occasional moment of collective joy. Now, self-improvement and self-denial are all-consuming and all-consuming, and no one can retreat from the grueling task of becoming their best self, even when it is dark and rainy; Not even for a romantic comedy and some chips on the couch.
For the sake of balance, I had a brief winter over the last fortnight, where I hit the gym a few times and ate some peanut butter for protein. I had already read and had never seen or talked to other humans, so those parts were easy, but the rest? Oh.
Because after talking about summer, this season is slow even for fall lovers. At 7am, it's so dark I think it's 3am and I go back to sleep. After a while of flirting with hydration, I was completely “watered down” (too cold, too wet) and couldn't put down Netflix until I found a hot rabbi and a sex podcaster to overcome their differences. I haven't learned any new skills and I'm so tired that I fall face down on the bed like an anesthetized owl over and over again.
Fair play to anyone with the energy for self-denial, but I put on my winter hoodie and embrace “being average,” as one TikTok evangelist calls it. I have an alternative suggestion: why not change the winter truce? It comes from a French phrase, winter vacationLandlords can't evict tenants, but this describes exactly what the next three months will look like. Why not curl up, sleep, and watch videos of anesthetized owls grimacing under warm blankets? Let's ditch the pork ropes and turkey strips of CrossFit and live in comfortable semi-hibernation like Beatrix Potter's creatures for a while. It may not light up TikTok, but it's what keeps me in the dark.
