Sam was only with us for the weekend, but he changed our lives

You have been interrogated and analyzed for almost a year. You undergo many hours of training.

Then the first day comes and you feel like you've forgotten everything you know and you keep asking where the toilet is even though it's in your house.

This is how my partner and I felt as we nervously chatted during our first car trip as foster carers. It was awkward.

Sam*, the teenager in our care, stayed silent in the backseat while we made up for it.

Like bad first dates, we slurred our words and eventually fell into the silence we usually reserve for hangovers and reflection after an argument. It was going to be a long few days.

We were going to have this young person stay with us for the weekend, and – despite the thoroughness of the vetting process and the support network we had received – I still expected someone to track us down and explain to the three of us that something terrible had happened. mistake.

This, even though we had all the documentation, obviously a few idiots like us couldn't do it to take care of children four years and older.

You see, when you start the process of applying to become a local authority foster carer, you will probably meet your first young person within a year.

Throughout this entire process, you're moving toward that nebulous opportunity, and even though each day is moving toward it, you never stop feeling like there's something on the horizon, like paying off your student loan or getting your favorite jeans re-fitted.

The evaluation process itself was as long, intrusive, and as thorough as one could hope.

We started with 'parenting skills' which is a broad overview of what it means to be a foster carer and a chance to ask questions about scary things like first aid.

Of course, over time we have learned that the most appalling thing is the quality of coffee in buildings owned by local governments. This is where most people who quit do.

The harsh reality of what everyday life is like as a foster carer and the predictable problems and heartaches you are likely to encounter are very discouraging.

But not for us. I attribute our staying power to the hubris you can only have when you don't have children of your own to care for, and the fact that we are both the youngest in our sibling group.

Then we got Sam.

The three of us returned to our home, unknown to all of us. The week before, they had briefly visited with their caregivers to see if this weekend practice was likely to work, and had put a touching face in the smiling photos in the “about us” document they received.

The house seemed alien to us because it had been cleaned in oblivion, and the unfamiliar smell of Zoflora wafted through our country kitchen. We lugged deceptively heavy bags to the room we had chosen the week before, it was large and airy, yet at the same time it felt hospitable and completely inappropriate.

We left Sam to settle in and started preparing their dream dinner, with suggestions from their foster carers. An army marches on its stomach, just like teenagers – this is where we shine.

My partner and I shared a smile and a portion as we didn't expect Sam to have seconds too.

And so – after a few days – Sam's short stay with us ended. Since then, we have welcomed many teenagers on short breaks ranging from a few hours to several weeks.

Like many people who have new children in their lives, we started with puritanical ideas about meals, screen time, and presence.

We both would always be there, we are a team, a double act. This means there is always someone to bounce your worries off, always someone to use as a sounding board, and someone to discuss the day's events with in bed at night.

Was I too talkative? NO. Did they feel pressured to eat another portion? NO. Did you see when I made them laugh? NO. Gutted.

No phones. It was difficult. Not only because I spend a lot of time Googling things like “Is Fortnite safe for 14-year-olds” and “What is Camilla Cabello,” but also because – as someone with ADHD – I store in that dark rectangle dopamine.

Fortunately, my partner's stern look is much more effective than any time-limiting app I quickly come up with workarounds for.

It turns out that caring for a young person and trying to give them the space, time and fun you think they deserve is actually more stimulating than Facebook – although, to be fair, it's about the same as Instagram.

Over time, we calmed down a bit. There's nothing wrong with it if we're both not there 24/7 when someone stays. Adding new foods to a young person's favorites list is a wonderful win, but ultimately that's the goal if they go to bed with a full belly. And the phones, you still can't reach them until bedtime.

When the social worker assessed us as a married couple – during many interviews – we were asked difficult questions. Once we passed the judging stage and reached the final panel, we were intrigued by the group of experts.

No part of our lives has escaped questioning, and yet nothing will prepare you for the questions you will receive from the young people in your care. “What fun are we going to do today,” “Do you have the right job,” and “Did you know you have 11 dead things in your living room?”

Good point – taxidermy isn't easy to explain, but I also think it wasn't very sporting to put a potted plant on the windowsill.

These young people are often extremely alert and miss little. It may be scary at first, but it also forces you to think about what you're saying and doing, so the fear of accidentally muttering a curse at the chicken that walked through the open kitchen door really forces you back to the present.

It has been an exciting, challenging and empowering three years, and the more we do it, the more we realize that this is exactly what family looks like to us. I am also increasingly convinced that if more people knew more about foster care, they would realize that it is the perfect solution for them and will enrich and enliven their lives – like wild swimming with their parents.

There is one thing that is a problem and it is not the amount of time needed for training, but the fact that the number of children needing foster carers has increased year on year over the last decade and is now over 100,000.

Respite care will change your life and you may find yourself in the car while you, your partner and the first child you are caring for sing along at the top of your lungs to Taylor Swift after an amazing weekend together.

You will survive and perhaps find yourself thriving.

*Name has been changed for anonymity

Do you have a story you'd like to share? Contact James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk.

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