My partner and I moved into our first apartment together. He is 31 years old and has never lived alone. He lived with his parents. Even if he comes, he is afraid that his mother will do all the housework for him. [home] Since he is a teacher and is off all summer, I have a lot of time away from my main job. How can we help him with housework without bothering him and how to avoid becoming mere roommates?
Leonor says: Here's some good news: You're not saying he hasn't done his part yet. You said you were afraid that might happen. It is good to be aware of the difference between fear of an outcome and evidence of that outcome; In relationships, fears turn into expectations very easily.
One question is how to manage domestic charging. I think you have to be completely honest about this. “This is a list of things that need to happen, how do you break it down?” It will be important not to make him feel that he is the student and you are the teacher. Perhaps, because you live with your parents, you don't yet know household chores, in which case neither of you should consider your ignorance of these things as a personality trait. Not knowing things about household chores should seem as insignificant as not knowing where a particular train station is: you learn it and from there you know. Try saying the same thing to a trusted friend. Each of you must be up to the task.
It might also help that you're both new to this new place and he hasn't moved into yours yet. Look for ways to continue that initial equality. Don't become a person who knows where we keep those things or who starts to notice household items when we're away. Cheerfully announce what tasks “we” are going to do (“we'll set up the place before we go to dinner”) so that everything is done now, while it's fun and honeymoon-like and doesn't feel like a big, bitter change . Then.
Another (and in some ways more important) issue is how to manage the relationship around housework. You may have all kinds of insecurities or shyness from never having lived alone, and you have a way of learning these things to feel like you are among equals. If you don't want to mother him, ultimately a big part of that is not mothering him.
If he's not doing his part, a good rule of thumb for flirting is to have the conversation if you're going to do it. No If you don't have a conversation. Do not drip the ingredients in the indicated recommendations. Say, “It bothers me that I don't think we do the same amount of housework,” and let go of fixed ideas about who does what and how to do it correctly. If you're trying to avoid uncomfortable conversations, try communicating the need for change in other ways that make you feel civil; A phrase here, “It's a joke” there.
If it comes down to it, it can be pointed out that housework is a matter of sexual chemistry, because no one wants to have sex with someone they think is their father.
But before you decide yes, try to give him time to get confused.
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