'I felt like Achilles in a hard hat': An extract from Boris Johnson's 'Alternative' memoir | Ian Martin

WWhen it was announced that Boris Johnson would be publishing an honest account of his time in Downing Street, we all thought: how honest is that? will be? Because for three magical years, Britain's greatest Prime Minister showed us exactly what extreme honesty in politics looked like. Will his inherent modesty allow him to reveal the full extent of his selfless service, his heroism, his tireless commitment behind the scenes to make Boris's Brexit Britain great again?

No. He omits from his book all the cobra meetings he secretly attended for reasons of national security. He didn't mention the Christmas he personally spent receiving thousands of AstraZeneca vaccine shots. He completely excluded the late king's admiration for him, how she would dress up as the Queen of Pearl for his visit, and how they would sing old Cockney songs in the small time.

It's time to set the record straight with a more honest assessment of those big dog days. In a so-called “parody” volume to his own brilliant memoir, I present his life as a series of useful life lessons: if it ain't right, break it; A lie is not a lie if it is a joke.

But I have also corrected the public perception of the events that culminated in his ouster with what he boldly called a “media-driven hoo-ha.” The Guardian has selected some controversial extracts from that brutally honest timeline, below…

July 2019

Discredited story: Prime Minister Theresa May resigned after struggling to win parliamentary support for the Brexit deal she agreed with the European Union. Boris Johnson says he wants to replace him. US President Donald Trump has expressed his support for him. Then there is a two-way rivalry between Johnson and Jeremy Hunt. Johnson is appointed prime minister and Britain promises to leave the EU on October 31 with or without a deal.

The Undisguised Truth: I, Boris Johnson, a staunch supporter of Theresa May, urge her to persist and to “come forward with force against any Black Tiger who incites treason”. It didn't work. “An angry crowd prevailed …” I write in my diary, my brow furrowed, one eyebrow raised in a Gothic arch of solemn determination. An angry mob has prevailed. “This minority government must not be allowed to sink. No, it will rise again!”

The country is already anxious to get Brexit sorted. Trump makes a secret visit to address the 1922 committee by candlelight: “This guy, Bosco Jackson, is a beautiful singer. And he will be a great, great, great leader. An ass like a buffalo. Make him Brexit King or shoot yourself. A great cheer arises and I accept the appointment.

December 2019

Discredited story: The decision to call a snap general election brings Johnson a decisive victory: an 80-seat Conservative majority. Now the Prime Minister is able to force through a hard Brexit.

The Undisguised Truth: I instinctively knew what the British people wanted to see. They wanted to see a wall made of polystyrene bricks with GRIDLOCK emblazoned across it, and then I went through it with a dig at the scoopy bit in front of it that said “get bloody Brexit sorted”.

Unless I did a victory lap with Corbyn's corpse behind me, I couldn't have felt like Achilles was in a hard hat. As for Europe … Alas, soon there will be a roaring sea and many metaphorical mountains between us. I am sorry for coming like this. I am a Europhile at heart. I love scoffing and knocking back croissants Beaujolais Nouveau And loving busty European women. But there is certainly more to be gained by leaving Europe. All kinds of treats have flooded in – free holidays and whatnot (some, ironically, in Europe). A nice recap there. She tells Carrie to order the gold wallpaper she wants – not to worry about who will pay for it.

March 2020

Discredited story: The coronavirus pandemic is hitting the UK with full force, causing widespread panic. Johnson was criticized for being unprepared and slow to act. He announces a nationwide lockdown, but later than other countries. The public health message and ineffective test and trace system are criticized. Sunak announces £30bn fund to protect the economy, £330bn in business loan guarantees and a holiday scheme that will eventually cost £70bn. Johnson can be seen shaking hands with people, including hospital patients. The same day the Scientific Advisory Committee on Emergencies (SAGE) advises the public to reduce physical contact. A few days later he was confirmed to be infected with the virus.

The Undisguised Truth: With great reluctance, against the official advice of government experts, whose identity I must protect, I order the lockdown. There are already sniping, unpatriotic noises about how the political class always sees themselves and their progeny. I mean, come on. We spend hundreds of billions of pounds, enough to grab a handful for everyone. I couldn't bear to think of myself as a coward, hiding in 10th place miles away from the front row like a quivering conch. No, I decide that I must attack this bursting virus and – President as a convert – Show leadership by serving and then recovering from it. Abracadabra!

Hey Presto! Pro Bono Publico! I shake hands with as many germy-looking proles as I can, sneak into hospital isolation wards, and deliberately hug patients who are so shocked and delighted to see me!

July-September 2020

holiday

December 2021

Discredited story: Revelations begin to emerge about the many illegal parties held in Downing Street. The growing corruption is called “partygate”. A leaked video shows advisers joking about a recent party at Number 10. A photograph was published by the Daily Mirror of Johnson on quiz night. The Guardian published a photo of Johnson, his wife and up to 17 staff enjoying cheese and wine in the Downing Street garden at a time when large social gatherings were banned.

The Undisguised Truth: Yes, Merry Fucking Christmas. Has anyone anywhere been plagued with such ineffective submissives? I was as shocked as anyone to hear that I might have inadvertently attended social gatherings at Number 10. How shocked? Well, I fixed my “shocked face” in the mirror this morning, turned it right up to 11, and let me tell you, it's bloody scary. I completely understand the feelings of the relatives of those who died, scared and alone in the hospital, when Whitney was allegedly looking around Houston. It breaks my heart.

July 2022

Discredited story: Johnson tells the BBC he was informed of the misconduct complaint against Chris Fincher before he was appointed deputy chief whip, admitting his decision was a “bad mistake”. Dominic Cummings has accused Johnson of joking that he was “a pincher by name, a pincher by nature”. Sunak and Sajid Javid resigned. In the next 24 hours, more than 60 government officials also resigned. Michael Gove, the equalization secretary, refuses to confirm his support. Johnson sacked him and then resigned as Prime Minister.

Undisguised truth: Mimsi Gove, that four-eyed gourd. A face like a mudskipper, waving stupid hands, never believed him. Good luck mate, enjoy your status as a boring footnote in British political history.

Hey-ho, all must pass, all flesh is grass, When the time comes, it's time … Once every few generations, a beloved public figure must do something honorable to Queen and country and graciously step back for the good of all. Like Jesus, I must die for the sins of all mankind, however unjustified and obvious it is. But fear not, for I will return like Jesus. It's not just for a day or two, it's for a long time, leaving everyone stunned. I say this: Many of those who brought about my downfall were clearly jealous; Even though I'm over 60, I'm younger, prettier, and more sexually active than any of them. I leave with my dignity and reputation intact. Write a book.