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DEAR ABBA: Seventeen years ago I had a mental breakdown. For the first three years thereafter, my husband was by my side. The medications I was prescribed caused me to gain over 100 pounds. I tried diets, to no avail. I suggested to him that maybe we could stick together and see where it would take us. His response was, “I'm not attracted to you anymore. When we got married, you knew I wasn't attracted to bigger (fat) women. Since then, I no longer respect or value him. He has his own room and I have mine on the other side of the house. Together we do absolutely nothing.
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When he comes to my bedroom, he doesn't knock. When I have to go through his room, I always knock. He said, “This is my house too and I don't knock.” I can't stand his arrogant behavior. I still have to pretend we're married, but I don't feel it. He calls me “baby”. I confessed that I wasn't going to pretend and asked him to stop calling me that.
I have a stable income. All my retirement money is invested in this house and property. I pay all the bills. We haven't had sex in 14 years. I miss male company. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, even though he didn't leave when I really needed him. Please advise. — NUMBER IN ALABAMA
DEAR NUMBER: It has been 17 years since you were prescribed the medication you are taking and you may have improved in that time. Contact the doctor who prescribed them and ask if there is anything newer that will help you lose some of the weight you haven't lost. It may be helpful to explain what these medications have done to the state of your marriage.
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If medication adjustments are not possible, you will need to decide how important male companionship is to you, as you may need to find it elsewhere. Consult a lawyer and ask what you would do if the house was sold and the money was divided. After this time, you may be in a better position to explore your options.
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DEAR ABBA: My husband of over 20 years had two children with his first wife. (I don't have any). One of his children, who does not respond to voicemails, emails or texts from us, now has two children under the age of 5 from his own second marriage. They live less than an hour away. My husband and I saw the younger child once, almost a year ago. This was the last time we saw my husband's son and his children. My husband has seen his grandchildren less than four times in four years. Do you have any suggestions on how to fix this emotional disconnection? — THE WICKED IN MARYLAND
Dear Unworthy: Has your husband told your son that he would like to have a closer relationship with him and his family? When exactly did this distancing begin? Do you know what caused this? Once you have the answers to these questions, if an apology is appropriate, your husband should deliver it orally, in writing, or in person. The ball will then be in your stepson's court.
— Dear Abby is authored by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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