Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

Thursday  Covid-19 and all its variants, sub-variants, and sub-sub-variants suddenly disappear and things get back to normal. Moments later, my alarm clock goes off.

Eleven days before the Iowa caucuses, MAGA cultists Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley participate in separate CNN town halls in Iowa. By evening’s end, empty liquor bottles litter the floor backstage around the fact checkers’ table after the candidates blame the Civil War on poor blacksmith training programs, migrant caravans from “the South American country of Hamas,” inflation, and Joe Biden’s failure to make Iowa corn the national vegetable.

Friday  Unemployment numbers for December are released. Since a Democrat is in the White House, if the numbers are bad they’ll be front-page news in all the papers and the top story on the evening newscasts, and if they’re good they’ll be buried in all the papers and mumbled about for five seconds during a commercial break on the evening newscasts.

Today is National Bird Day. Please flip it responsibly.

Saturday Americans mark their new official January 6 federal holiday: Republican Psychopathic Traitor Awareness Day.

Plus lots of the usual blah blah blah ‘cause we never run out of that.

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 2, 2024

Note: [Baby New Year 2024 uses special pulley-and-chain harness to load 1,800-pound shell into howitzer. Aims at Planet Earth.]  Well, he caught on fast.

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By the Numbers:

Days ‘til Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 13

Days ‘til Ice Fest in Breezy Point, Minnesota: 3

Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who believe violent crime increased in 2023: 77%

Percent chance that violent crime actually dropped by record numbers in 2023, according to analysis by AH Datalytics: 100%

Number of fishermen rescued from a chunk of ice that broke off and started floating away up yonder in northern Minnesota as the fish laughed their asses off: 122

The last year that U.S. beer shipments dropped below 200 million barrels, as it did in 2023: 1999

Date the copyright on Disney’s Steamboat Willie version of Mickey Mouse expired: 1/1/24

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Reunited…

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CHEERS to January. Anyone who enjoys winter sports is in heaven this month. And hot clam chowder (or your favorite soup, since it’s Soup Month) on a frigid snowy day is unbeatable. But watch out, because that dastardly Covid-19—variants and all—is still lurking in the bushes, and the unvaccinated morons are still all-too-happy to spread it around.

Politically, Democrats maintain their grip on the Senate, the House is a MAGA monkey cage, and Joe Biden’s presidency turns three on the 20th. Meanwhile, the drip-drip-drip of Trump trial-related advances and setbacks continues, so strap yourself in for more bumpy road ahead. 

Plus: insulin only costs 35 bucks a month for seniors now. It’s Clean Your Computer Month. Be Kind to Food Servers Month. FDR’s birthday. Australia Day. National Pie Day. California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month. Next Tuesday is Static Electricity Day, aka The Day the Cat Disappears Into the Closet and Doesn’t Come Out Until the Day After Static Electricity Day. 

MLK Jr. Day is the 15th, ten days later we get a “Full Wolf Moon,” and here’s an interesting bit of trivia: tomorrow is National Trivia Day. Too much fun! Don’t let it end!

JEERS to January. It’s dark all the time, MAGA primary season is ramping up, and I can’t feel my toes. Anyone know how to safely induce a coma ‘til spring? (Oh, right…silly me. Just turn on the Hallmark Channel.) Ugh…make it end.

JEERS to sudden departures. Sitting down? I have some news. It looks like we won’t have that old battle axe to kick around anymore. She’s cutting and running because after 52 years on the throne, Queen Margrethe of Denmark is pursuing her dream as a Broadway dancer in the revival of Oh! Calcutta!

The queen made her announcement in her annual New Year’s Eve address tonight, assuring the Danish people that it was the right decision.

Queen Margrethe was the longest-serving monarch in Europe following the death of Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II last year, having taken the throne in 1972. According to the Danish royal family’s website, the country passed a change to the succession law in 1953 that allowed women to rule, but only secondarily.

Due to Europe‘s weirdly-intertwined blood lines among the monarchies, Queen Margrethe will be succeeded by Prince Harry, whose first official act will be conquering Britain via a massive armada of longships. Run, Charles, run! (And don’t forget to pack all the scepters.)

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to routing the redcoats. 247 years ago today, in 1777 during our War of Independence, George Washington’s army drove back a British attack at the Battle of Assunpink Creek and Municipal Airport near Trenton, New Jersey. This was the follow-up to Washington‘s famous crossing of the Delaware, where he defeated the Hessians by using the aroma of fresh pan-fried wienerschnitzel to lure them into a giant pit:

General William Howe, the British Commander-in-Chief of North America was furious with the defeat at Trenton. He canceled Lieutenant General Charles Cornwallis’ scheduled leave to Britain for the winter and ordered him to Princeton immediately. […]

Washington’s men held back three assaults from the British, felling hundreds of British soldiers in the process, causing Cornwallis to hold a council to decide what to do. …

Washington took advantage of the break. … When Cornwallis arose in the morning, to his horror, Washington’s entire army was gone.

You might say Cornwallis got his…Assunpink handed to him. Ha Ha Ha!!!  (Aren’t you glad C&J is around for a whole ‘nother year of this? Me, too.)

JEERS to our microscopic overlords. As we ring in a new year, Covid-19 continues baffling and befuddling us. As the CDC, WHO, and other health organizations and governments continue monitoring the situation, Cheers and Jeers will continue providing timely updates so you can stay armed with the cutting-edge knowledge you need to stay healthy and alive. Here’s what we know as of today, Tuesday, January 2nd, 2024: the cult of the unvaccinated can go f*ck themselves. Join us for our next update tomorrow morning, which will probably look a lot like today’s.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 2, 2014

JEERS to dim bulbs.  Well, folks, it’s the end of a very long era.  It’s now illegal to produce incandescent light bulbs in the United States.  The 40-watt and 60-watt bulbs are the last to go, and once stores sell the last of ‘em, they’re gone for good.  Naturally, the teabaggers are pointing their bony fingers at President Obama, whom they’ll claim is trying to (say it with me) “shove his radical tree-hugging agenda down our throats!”  Just one little problem…

Beginning Jan. 1, the production of 40- and 60-watt incandescent light bulbs is banned as part of efficiency standards signed into law by President George W. Bush in 2007.

When presented with this, they’ll respond in unison: “Obama is trying to shove his radical tree-hugging agenda down our throats!”  Same idiots, different year.

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And just one more…

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“Bill in Portland Maine is lying for clicks again.“

—Bill Melugin

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