Aspiring Trump veep hits North Korean levels of sucking up

Seditious conspirator and multi-indicted Donald Trump has now clinched the Republican Party’s nomination for president.That means that it’s time for the would-be contenders for Dear Leader’s vice presidential slot to prove that they can suck up to the would-be strongman more than even Trump himself can handle.

Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina has been making a strong bid to be No. 1 Suck-Up, and on Fox News on Thursday, he sucked as hard as a sucker can suck. North Korean news broadcasters have nothing on this

Well, let me tell you what. If there’s anyone who’s paying attention to the details of 2024, it’s Donald Trump. Who is now running, co-running, the RNC? Lara Trump. Why? Because he understands that the devil’s in the details, so he puts his brilliant daughter-in-law in charge of our RNC apparatus so that all that [former RNC chair] Reince [Preibus] talked about, wise wise man that he is, will be taken care of.

OH COME ON NOW. There’s sucking up and then there’s sucking up; at this point EMTs need to be called out to remove Trump’s whole upper torso from Scott’s throat.

He put his “brilliant” daughter-in-law in charge of the party’s apparatus? Putting family members in charge of the party’s cash supplies is among the first things authoritarian crooks do upon seizing command. And Dear Leader’s personal kin are always described as “brilliant” as Dear Leader himself, because if you don’t say that, then Dear Leader’s family makes sure your future political career is buried six feet under in an unmarked grave.

Lara Trump’s “brilliant” career is thin enough that even her Wikipedia page can barely scrape up anything to say about her. She worked as a tabloid news producer, married Eric Trump and his family’s money, and parlayed it all into a year-and-a-half Fox News career before devoting herself full-time to polishing her father-in-law’s copious golden turds while boosting the careers of the far right’s weirdest weirdos. Sure, buddy. Everybody should be very excited that the entire Republican Party is now in the hands of Trump and the increasingly shrinking set of family members willing to be seen with him.

You just know that Donald was pressing his daughter Ivanka to take the RNC slot, having previously made her his White House “adviser.” The joke’s on him, though: Son-in-law Jared Kushner was able to convert his own White House foreign policy slot to a $2 billion investment from the Saudi royal pockets, so Ivanka can steer clear of her indicted daddy. She doesn’t need to suck up to him for odd jobs anymore.

However, as Scott noted in his glowing assessment, “But at the end of the day you want the ball in the hands of the best player on the field. That player is Donald Trump.”

We’ll only give him a B+ on that one, because if Scott was really into that metaphor he would have found a way to wedge in comments on Trump’s bulging muscles and masculine athletic physique. Still a good try, though.

There’s been rampant speculation about Trump’s vice presidential shortlist and how far Republican hopefuls will have to debase themselves to stay on it, but Scott has spent considerably more time polishing his sycophantic phrases than some of the other candidates. There’s also been tedious press speculation—fueled solely by Trump’s own allies—as to whether Trump will attempt to pick a running mate who can better dance around the party’s moves to criminalize abortion nationwide, which would rule out Scott and in fact most of the current contenders.

You can discount those particular claims, because Trump cares about Trump first and foremost and will only be deciding who his running mate will be based on the extent to which they can flatter and extol him on his television screen. Trump has never shown the slightest interest in policy matters, allowing himself to be bent in whichever direction his most extreme advisers have wanted to bend him. He’s not going to start now.


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