I I was 70 when I became a grandmother for the first time in 2023. My son, Marlon, had a son of his own and I was never the mom who wanted to be a grandmother, and I was glad.
But it soon became clear that I was entering uncharted waters. I went my hippie-punk way very little about their pregnancy and parenting. They were emotionally aware. I think I went to two NCT classes. Lina – my son's partner – was a birth doula. I read a book called Childbirth Experience by Sheila Kitzinger from 1962; They'll read parenting books like Philippa Perry's latest book You Wish Your Parents Would Read.
Then, when it came to labor, I couldn't be around. My partner (not my son's father) and I had been planning a weekend in North Wales for the past year to celebrate his 80th birthday, my 70th and our 10 year relationship. Shanti, my grandson, was born in London while we were there. Lena and Marlon were fine with this, but I worried that missing this big event would mess up the beginning of my role as a grandmother. I felt guilty that I hadn't supported Marlon like Lena's family had.
When I finally met my grandson, I was reminded that I am not good with small children. They were such delicate little creatures that I was afraid to make a mistake. Lena and Marlon tried to support me around basic things like changing nappies, but sometimes I felt like they didn't trust me. It made me feel inadequate. So I did less than I wanted to do.
Lena's mom knew exactly what she was doing with a timely cooked meal or napkins. Meanwhile, I was always making too much noise, threatening to disturb the sleeping baby or missing a text message not to ring the doorbell – Shanti's parents had to constantly calm me down.
My views on parenting did not sync with theirs. In the 80s, we didn't use white noise to lull our babies to sleep, we planned a Moses basket in the middle of crowded restaurants or parties and expected the baby to fit into our lives, no other way. Now the focus was on trying to make Shanti a routine. I thought they were reading too much, while they were horrified that I remembered so little about what I did.
A mini-battle was brewing, culminating in some awkward attempts to explain and understand each other's point of view.
However, the real lightbulb moment came after they moved to Colombia for two months when Shanti was eight months old. I was all for it: I'm a big fan of travel as education. And they came back very relaxed. A new flexibility had arrived, brought about in part by long treks, including wading across rivers in a carrier with Shanti on their chest. I came to understand and respect some of their parenting philosophies. How and why they feed him the food they eat in Colombia – wonderful fruits like soursop and dragon fruit rather than puree in supermarket jars. They keep him off sugar and salt, for the most part. Watching Shanti eat reminded Marlon of all the tinned spaghetti he'd eaten with less pride.
I loved that Lina only spoke to him in Spanish so he was bilingual. How do they direct yes and no? They don't avoid saying no to their son, but they explain why They say no. It is being negotiated. It's considered a gentle, parental approach that I wish I had more of – especially the understanding shown to Shanti when she doesn't want to do something. That way, I questioned my own parents' parentage less and got on with it.
Looking back, I began to see some new ways of parenting that benefited me all the time – for example, I was fascinated by Lina and Marlon sharing their pregnancy news before the “traditional” 12-week scan. Because they wanted the grandparents to feel a part of the process. When I was pregnant, I thought my mom didn't want to be involved.
Anytime new forms of parenting are introduced, it can feel not only like a call to reflect on your own parenting, but also an unconscious attack on it. It is not surprising that such tension exists during these crucial medieval times.
So, little by little, my hippie-punk parenting has morphed into a modern grandmother's passion: 14 months later, I listen to my son and his partner more than ever before. After all, they've researched and discussed what they're doing, so there's very little I can do.
Lately, I've been immersing myself in the various sounds Shanti makes and begin to distinguish the layers of need and joy within them. There is one mother That's a crying sound I want it now. I found myself on the verge of declaring it a “bad” sound when my hand flew to my mouth. Keep your mouth shut – this is my modern grandmother's motto.
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Rose Rose is the author and co-founder of The Benefits of Age, a social enterprise that challenges media stereotypes surrounding aging.
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