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DEAR ABBY: My husband died a year ago after a nine-year battle with dementia. I recently met a man, “Richard,” whose wife is in the final stages of dementia, which can last several months or several years. We fell in love with each other and fit together perfectly.
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We are hiding our relationship from their children, as dealing with their mother's slow death seems quite traumatic. Richard's brothers know and are thrilled to see their brother gain some happiness again. My family knows, but their evangelical Christian stance is black and white – to them, I am an “adulteress”.
It's painful to be apart from my family, but I feel joy and hope when I'm with Richard. Should I cool it until his wife dies? We are in our 60s and are afraid of running out of time. By the way, Richard is doing well financially. He hires a team of caregivers to stay with his wife during the day and he stays with her at night. He wants to keep her at home as long as he can. I admire and love him. Am I wrong? – WAITING IN THE SOUTH
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DEAR WAITING: You and Richard are in your 60s – you're not exactly on the edge. He spends time with his sick wife and makes sure she is cared for when he can't be with her. If you find comfort in each other and his wife is not neglected, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Then again, I'm not an evangelical Christian. If, however, you find it necessary to live your life by different standards than your own, discuss the matter with Richard and perhaps “calm down” until his wife leaves.
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DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of five years has a 28-year-old daughter, “Courtney,” who has disliked me since day one. She never tried to get to know me and was rude and disrespectful from the start. His mother ignored it and did nothing.
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We've gotten to the point where we want to get married, and Courtney says we won't be invited to vacation with her and she'll never come visit. In fact, whenever Courtney calls her mom, if I'm around, she hangs up on her mom. Her mother now has psoriasis and is losing her hair because of stress. She is afraid of losing her daughter and is ready to end our relationship.
I told my girlfriend that her relationship with Courtney is toxic and she needs to back off until Courtney is willing to go to therapy and make amends. With the exception of the problems created by the daughter, we have an incredible relationship – a love that neither of us has ever experienced before. What should I do? – ROAD BLOCK IN FLORIDA
DEAR LOCKDOWN: As long as Courtney can dictate how her mother lives her life, the two of you will not have a successful marriage. Unfortunately, the power play Courtney is making isn't all that unusual. Ask your friend to accompany you to premarital counseling, where a licensed therapist can help you break free from Courtney's control. I'm not promising it will work, but it's the best chance you have for a successful future together.
— Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby. com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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