I tried feet and butt plugs to liven up my stale married sex life

Welcome to How I do ita series in which we can look into for seven days sex life stranger.

This week we hear from 28-year-old Tessa*, who has been with her husband since 2017. Together they have two children, a four-year-old son and three daughters, who have a “serious and complex” condition and special needs.

Pregnant with her first child, Tessa says she and her husband “fought like rabbits,” but health complications during her second pregnancy made sex “too painful to bear.”

“We only had sex during my second pregnancy and the pregnancy knocked me out once and then knocked me out,” she tells Metro.

After giving birth, the queer mother of two explains that she and her husband fell into a “sexless stasis” and intimacy fell to the bottom of the priority list.

“We used to use all sorts of things,” he says. “There were ropes, collars, gags, handcuffs, whips, paddles and whips.

“But since I have children and work up to 80 hours a week to save up for a new house where the children aren't cramped, everything has gotten worse.”

“Even though my husband could drive 100 miles an hour in the bedroom all day, I'm barely running on fumes. Maybe every other week there's petting and fucking.

Tessa misses how sexually active she was with her husband, and now she is determined to rekindle their sex life.

Can it revitalize your sex life? Without further ado, here's how Tessa fared this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Tuesday

It's my husband's day off. While I drag the little kids into the living room, he washes upstairs with an invitation for a cheeky blowjob while the kids eat breakfast.

I refuse, I didn't even drink my morning coffee to feel human. I admit that our stagnation in our sex life is largely my fault.

Turning on my laptop, which won't be turned off until after 8 p.m., when the kids go to bed, I decide to look for ways to spice up our marriage.

Apparently accepting the cheeky dandelion's invitation would be the perfect opportunity, but I'm not one to leave wild children alone for even a second.

The last time I did this (to wash the dishes) I ended up with the entire wall covered in shit.

That night, when the kids are finally asleep, my laptop is turned off and we finally get to spend some time together, so we watch TV.

With an eye on spicing up our marriage, I sneak upstairs to grab the vibrator, and he immediately knows it's time to stop that crappy TV and get ready for our usual position: I like to call it Spooning and Smashing.

Wednesday

He's in top shape last night and is in quite a good mood as he gets ready for work.

For me, it's the exact same day where I do the exact same things with my kids and my laptop.

We have family visiting us unexpectedly and keeping the kids from rummaging through bags, pulling glasses off their faces and jumping from chair to chair is a nightmare.

I could hear a few lines of conversation between reaching for a snack and juice, cleaning up fallen toy boxes, and making sure kids don't jump on elderly people. However, I am sure everyone is aware of what they are encountering when planning a visit to our home.

My husband comes home and I'm tired again.

We clean the house and the children destroy it within minutes. Well – we'll come back to this again when they're asleep.

We both sit on the sofa at 10 p.m., after ordering greasy pizza and stroking each other's legs. Pizza regret is so real.

Thursday

We just went and slept on the sofa all night.

We wake up with creaking bodies and aches everywhere, to the sound of children laughing in their rooms, and a quick inspection shows that no disaster has occurred and they are both still asleep. Phew.

It's 6 a.m. For God's sake. It's my husband's day off, so we quickly wake the kids up and get ready so we can run to the park for an hour to burn off their energy.

When we get back, we take turns showering while the other person looks after the kids, and then I start brunch.

My laptop is ringing again, so I start my workday while he takes care of the kids.

Oh how I love working upstairs and not having to get up every three minutes to fetch loads of snacks and toys.

I can't tell he feels the same because I can hear the carnage downstairs. He's probably on his second round of vacuuming, but that's our normal day with kids who need a lot more sensory activities than other kids their age.

Come 9pm, the kids have reluctantly gone to bed and we have a late dinner.

I've read so much about sexual positions that I'm about to burst. In light of new information, we are trying doggy style (I'm not a fan, so it's rare), good old missionary and reverse cowgirl.

It's safe to say he finished last and it's back to our usual Spoon and Smash so I can finish.

Friday

Oh, if only I worked in an office. I'd be ready for the weekend. But I work seven days a week and I'm already exhausted.

I have a long freelance shift which means I'm upstairs from 9am to 5:30pm and then the kids enjoy dinner while I help my husband turn the house into something livable again.

I go back to my laptop to finish some other work until 10 p.m., then I tap him on the shoulder while he's playing a computer game and make a crude gesture to signal that there's a bit of sex on the menu.

I can't remember the last time we fucked three times in a week. We've certainly moved on from a couple who would happily fuck twice a day, every day.

I imagine he missed us when we were trying for our first time. Our record is thirteen days in a row.

He gave me some sexy signals throughout the day while I was tucked in on top and even came over to suck my toe. He's a leggy guy, even though he claims he's been since he met me.

With this in mind, I let him fulfill his fantasy: foot masturbation. He certainly enjoys it. However, I can't say that I love cleaning.

Saturday

My husband is in a much better mood this week. I think he loved getting more attention in the bedroom and is on a mission to recreate the footwork from last night.

Unfortunately, I'm working on my laptop again until 5 p.m., and the kids have to run around the park to get some rest.

He reluctantly takes them out, and when he returns, from what I hear, he's running like crazy to keep the kids from eating the sand and throwing themselves off the ladders. Poor idiot.

I've been trying to figure out how to diversify our marriage by going to mom forums that discuss the same issues, and honestly, I think we're doing a great job of it. We went from having sex once a month or twice if we're lucky, to having sex several times a week.

He agrees and wants to keep it that way. We initially considered a sex calendar where we could schedule it, but decided that would take all the fun out of it.

Tonight we settle for dry humping on the sofa until we decide to go to bed.

Sunday

Another day at work and I'm on shift until 9 p.m. Ouch.

My husband has the whole day to himself and the children are taken to the farm by specialized nannies. He likes to spend time with his friends on the computer, playing something related to building an army in a fantasy world.

I'm writing a part of my book that's not a topic that would get anyone in the mood.

During lunch we realize we still have a spare house we can use, so I quickly grab the vibrator.

He's shocked that I initiated sex again and within seconds he's completely naked.

This time he takes the lead in positions and we do something I don't quite know how to explain.

I lie on my back, my top half hanging off the bed, and he holds my legs in the air.

Is this some fancy missionary? Let me tell you what, this might be my favorite, and it definitely doesn't last long.

Monday

Having sex on Monday is usually not allowed for me, considering it's the start of the week and an overall stressful day, but I'm not giving up on my mission now.

It would be a cold day in hell if my husband didn't at least one day suggest something sexual to me or even come upstairs while I'm showering to take a look at the goods.

Even though I have two children and feel like my body looks like a stranger's, he can't get enough.

With that thought in mind, I decide to surprise him as soon as the kids are in bed.

I put on a tight dress, stockings and garters and take off some of our old toys. Did I mention we also have a bushy tail plug?

Either way, he was shocked by the tail, but didn't feel like trying. I call this week a success.

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Contact MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk by email.

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